I Blame Aurora

I’m making no attempt to one up anyone’s dramatic first date stories but this one really takes the cake.

I’m sure that we’ve all gone on dates where a date shows up slightly buzzed...possibly stoned...or maybe just a little drunk

...no?

....just me?

....*sigh*...(fuck my life)

Regardless, we can all safely assume that it’s done and over from the moment they walk in the door. Right?! Right.

I was talking to a guy who was total doll-face, a sweet man with beautiful curls, an interest in the arts, love for dogs and a real way with words. Overall...an old soul, like myself. We were off to a swell start!

So he tells me that he's from Aurora, IL.If you've never been, there's no need to even consider going. Known primarily for it's obnoxiously cheesy casino, there is absolutely nothing going on there. So we plan on having a coffee date in the city and he was driving all the way in to come meet me. Lovely!

He gets to my house to pick me up and I'm waiting for him to park the car. I see him walking towards me as I'm waiting anxiously on the sidewalk, trying my best to look like I was too cool for school, when I noticed he was walking very funny. Was this man sauced already?!

He got closer to me and went to hug me. I couldn't smell alcohol, but he was certainly swaying as though he had had some type of booze....or maybe medication.

I asked him if he was taking medicine. He said no.

I asked him if he was feeling alright. He said "yes" with a completely glassed over look on his face. I could tell something was definitely wrong but I had no clue what the problem was.

Then he came out with it....

Dude: If I tell you...you won't want to be my friend anymore.

Me: Well I just met you so it wouldn't be that big of a loss, now would it?

Dude: Yeah it would.

Me: You should probably just tell me. Get it over with.

Dude: I'm a recovering heroine addict and I just relapsed prior to getting out of my car to come meet you.

Me: Seriously?

Dude: Seriously.

Me: ......(silence)........

Dude: I'm just gonna drive home. Sorry I bothered you.

Me: Oh heeeeellllllll no, you're NOT driving home. You can barely keep your eyes open! You think I'm gonna let you get on the road and kill yourself and everyone else?! You may have a fuckin' death wish, but the person driving next to you does NOT.

Dude: I'll just sit in my car for a while then.

Me: Give me your fuckin keys.

Dude: Where are we going?

Me: In my house...where you're going to drink coffee, water, and eat pasta.* You will then sit on my couch until you regain the ability to act like a responsible driver.

(moment of silence)

After a brief second of consideration...I think it's safe to say that I believe that you just topped the charts for WORST dating situation to EVER happen to me. Congratulations....asshole.

*Side note: He did drink my coffee, and tap water; I also made him pasta. After about 5 hours or dozing off in the middle of barely coherent sentences, he finally sobered up enough to leave. Prior to walking out the door he turns to me, looks me in the eyes and says, "So I guess there won't be a second date then, huh?"

.....it's been swell, dude. Now hit the road...and don't call me....ever.