I was on my way home from work, when I noticed two guys walking towards me. Not just any guys. Priests. Dressed in their long flowing attire.
I was a catholic school girl for the majority of my childhood and the sight of priests wearing silly dresses still makes me laugh a little.
My initial thought was, "Hide the children".
Then as they inched closer, I noticed that one of them was hot. I mean really hot.
As he passed me, he nodded and smiled; I couldn't even look him in the eyes.
I was so ashamed of the fact that I was suddenly envisioning him completely naked.
I watched him walk down the block and I secretly plotted to bring more corruption to the catholic church by considering going to "confession" this Sunday. It's Easter after all.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Really?!
The dude who had the nerve to plan a date a week in advance and then cancel by texting me " Hey I made other dinner plans with someone else. Let's hang out on another day", just walked into my place of business.
It's normal for him to be there, however I felt as though I should have promptly punched him in the face. I didn't....but I should have.
Then... he decided to text me once he was elsewhere within the building. A flirty text!
Oh no sir. This girl is done flirting with you.
...it's been swell.
It's normal for him to be there, however I felt as though I should have promptly punched him in the face. I didn't....but I should have.
Then... he decided to text me once he was elsewhere within the building. A flirty text!
Oh no sir. This girl is done flirting with you.
...it's been swell.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
rubber maid wanted
BOY: "hey by the way, that used condom on the floor, it wasn't mine ... classy touch."
ME: "I am a classy lady"
FML
ME: "I am a classy lady"
FML
Monday, March 29, 2010
Well, I Never!
This week in the dating world….
I’ve been stood up twice.
You heard me... TWICE!
Sonofabitchslutbagwhores (and various other obscenities)
...that is all.
I’ve been stood up twice.
You heard me... TWICE!
Sonofabitchslutbagwhores (and various other obscenities)
...that is all.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
the pacific strikes again
We talked business development and content, distribution chains and overseas vendors, five year plans and dreams of urban gardens, fish farming, sustainability, and a dash of BDSM.
Dinner and a beer went without awkwardness, then a venue change.
Belgians flowed side-by side with big, hoppy, California pine forests. Suddenly there we were, feeling alone in a room full of people, quietly sharing starry eyed gazes. Subtle touches to the knees, elbows and hands turned into hot makeouts against an unsuspecting fence, a sweet walk home and yet another attempt to watch a war flick I downloaded.
Two sessions in a row of first-date-sex with heavy artillery as the soundtrack. sigh.
I have a hunch the problem must be an obvious fact, my living room is also my bedroom. It's tough not to end up naked when your couch is your bed. I should start going home with potentials instead. I'm great at leaving unannounced; it's a talent I should revisit.
Dinner and a beer went without awkwardness, then a venue change.
Belgians flowed side-by side with big, hoppy, California pine forests. Suddenly there we were, feeling alone in a room full of people, quietly sharing starry eyed gazes. Subtle touches to the knees, elbows and hands turned into hot makeouts against an unsuspecting fence, a sweet walk home and yet another attempt to watch a war flick I downloaded.
Two sessions in a row of first-date-sex with heavy artillery as the soundtrack. sigh.
I have a hunch the problem must be an obvious fact, my living room is also my bedroom. It's tough not to end up naked when your couch is your bed. I should start going home with potentials instead. I'm great at leaving unannounced; it's a talent I should revisit.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Stop, Drop, and Roll
So this doesn't involve a hot date however it does involve me trying too hard to impress some dumb boy...so it's going to be told.
A few years back I was having everyone over for my birthday. I found this 1950’s wedding dress and totally “Betsy’s Wedding-ed” the shit out of it...so I was lookin’ good...real good. I bedazzled the apartment and lit a few tea-lights; the place was looking hot to trot. Guests start arriving (including the dude I was trying to seduce) and we were all havin' a swell time. The party's in full force and everyone’s slightly intoxicated. I’m in the middle of what seems to be the funniest story I’ve EVER told and then...
(Sniffs Sniff Sniff) "Do you....do ya smell something? I think I smell something burning!"
Low and behold it turns out to be my ass that has caught a-blaze! I had successfully "backed that thing up" into the flaming candles.
I begin running around the house screaming “I’m on FIRE!!!!” while the rest of the party began yelling “Stop, drop, and roll!!!!”
Do I?.....of course not....Why?....I choose comedy over life; it was much funnier to run around my house shouting, “My biscuits are burning! My biscuits are burning!”
Then out of nowhere I feel this force like no other throw me to the floor! This force turns out to be the foot of my roommate.
Thank God for him.
He kicked my ass. He kicked my ass until the fire was no more.
Without him I would have been just another victim of a candle lit birthday gone horribly wrong. My life could have possibly even ended on that birthday but I was not going down without a laugh.
In the end, I totally smooched the boy I was after. My 1950's dress was smelling like burnt plastic for the rest of the evening and my ruffle butt undies proudly made a guest appearance for all to see.
Funny enough...this was only one of the four times I've accidentally set myself on fire.
A few years back I was having everyone over for my birthday. I found this 1950’s wedding dress and totally “Betsy’s Wedding-ed” the shit out of it...so I was lookin’ good...real good. I bedazzled the apartment and lit a few tea-lights; the place was looking hot to trot. Guests start arriving (including the dude I was trying to seduce) and we were all havin' a swell time. The party's in full force and everyone’s slightly intoxicated. I’m in the middle of what seems to be the funniest story I’ve EVER told and then...
(Sniffs Sniff Sniff) "Do you....do ya smell something? I think I smell something burning!"
Low and behold it turns out to be my ass that has caught a-blaze! I had successfully "backed that thing up" into the flaming candles.
I begin running around the house screaming “I’m on FIRE!!!!” while the rest of the party began yelling “Stop, drop, and roll!!!!”
Do I?.....of course not....Why?....I choose comedy over life; it was much funnier to run around my house shouting, “My biscuits are burning! My biscuits are burning!”
Then out of nowhere I feel this force like no other throw me to the floor! This force turns out to be the foot of my roommate.
Thank God for him.
He kicked my ass. He kicked my ass until the fire was no more.
Without him I would have been just another victim of a candle lit birthday gone horribly wrong. My life could have possibly even ended on that birthday but I was not going down without a laugh.
In the end, I totally smooched the boy I was after. My 1950's dress was smelling like burnt plastic for the rest of the evening and my ruffle butt undies proudly made a guest appearance for all to see.
Funny enough...this was only one of the four times I've accidentally set myself on fire.
Estelle's: The Place Where Everyone Goes Home Happy
For those of you who live in the Chicago area, you may be familiar with a dirty, rotten, booze serving slut by the name of Estelle. Estelle temps the entire community on a nightly basis by offering inexpensive alcohol at an unreasonably late hour. She's the matchmaker of hundreds (possibly thousands) of one night stands. She is a 5am dive bar in the heart of Wicker Park.
I'm not sure if Estelle's is still doing the Tuesday night special that I grew to love anymore, but they use to have $2 beers. Now, I'm normally a southern comfort kinda girl, but a deal is a deal so I would always go out with my friends every Tuesday night, come hell or high water. We would get good and sauced. Never failed.
After months of this same routine, I began noticing how the entire bar seemed to begin making out with each other at around 4am. I thought it was hysterical so I started referring to Estelle's as "the place where everyone goes home happy".
Now don't get me wrong...I was part of that group who would occasionally be smooching face with some random dude, but it wasn't a habit of mine. However, there was one guy who always seem to show up and start a dance party. Mind you, this place is no where to have a dance party; by 2am, you can barely breath, let alone move. Regardless, I was the only one who would ever dance with him, he was super cute albeit totally bat shit crazy. I think he scared people even though I thought he was harmless.
So one night he tells me that he wants me to come home with him and I was I was all about it to have a good old fashion make out session but was hesitant about anything else. We get to his house and I give him a thrill by showing him my ruffle butt undies.
We make out like no one's ever made out before....and then he stops and says....
"I think we should do it."
Neither one of us had a condom handy and that didn't sit well with me. So I tell him that I didn't think it would be wise to do the deed.
Then...he pauses for a moment, kisses me a few more times, and whispers in my ear...
"...but I promise...I'm a good puller outer"
....classy.
I'm not sure if Estelle's is still doing the Tuesday night special that I grew to love anymore, but they use to have $2 beers. Now, I'm normally a southern comfort kinda girl, but a deal is a deal so I would always go out with my friends every Tuesday night, come hell or high water. We would get good and sauced. Never failed.
After months of this same routine, I began noticing how the entire bar seemed to begin making out with each other at around 4am. I thought it was hysterical so I started referring to Estelle's as "the place where everyone goes home happy".
Now don't get me wrong...I was part of that group who would occasionally be smooching face with some random dude, but it wasn't a habit of mine. However, there was one guy who always seem to show up and start a dance party. Mind you, this place is no where to have a dance party; by 2am, you can barely breath, let alone move. Regardless, I was the only one who would ever dance with him, he was super cute albeit totally bat shit crazy. I think he scared people even though I thought he was harmless.
So one night he tells me that he wants me to come home with him and I was I was all about it to have a good old fashion make out session but was hesitant about anything else. We get to his house and I give him a thrill by showing him my ruffle butt undies.
We make out like no one's ever made out before....and then he stops and says....
"I think we should do it."
Neither one of us had a condom handy and that didn't sit well with me. So I tell him that I didn't think it would be wise to do the deed.
Then...he pauses for a moment, kisses me a few more times, and whispers in my ear...
"...but I promise...I'm a good puller outer"
....classy.
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