The Brazen Hussies are currently accepting applications for fourth quarter boyfriends. Please review the requirements listed below. Those who do not meet the majority of these requirements need not apply.
1. Please be up to date on all of your shots
2. Must have bachelors degree or higher (PhD preferred)
3. Self starter, highly motivated with an excellent credit history
4. Must be able to clean up after himself
5. Must look glorious in a three piece suit
6. Witty bantering skills (70 wpm. No mumblers)
7. Must bathe regularly (with soap- we can't emphasize that enough)
8. Must have full-time job and be willing to pay for a meal once in a while
9. No children from previous relationships (no exceptions)
10. No criminal history
11. Must be skilled in the art of mingling
12. Please be able to handle your booze responsibly
13. Fix-it men are a plus
14. Should be willing to make the first move (and it better be a damn good one)
Please note that this is an unpaid internship lasting Fall to Winter of 2010, with the possibility of becoming a full-time position in the future. Availability of at least 25 hours a week is a must (generally after the hours of 5pm).
Benefits included: home cooked meals, endless supplies of cuddles, handmade scarves, intelligent conversation, and lots of chandelier swinging sex
Please submit resumes and photos (preferably nude) to:
itllbebetternexttime@gmail.com
We look forward to hearing from you.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
I couldn't even go 3 days
Got caught at the airport the other day with my dildo.
The TSA woman asks,"what's this?" while gesturing the curve shape of the toy with her hand.
me: a dildo ma'am
her: a what?
me: a DILdoooh ma'am
her: ???
me: a sex toy!
her: step this way ma'am
Man standing next to me makes an awkward look of disgust and shakes his head.
She proceeds to pull me aside and with gloved hands begins to dig through my bag. It was at the bottom and she took her time. When she got to it, she pulled it out and asked, "this???"
me: yes ma'am, that's it
her: (to the other ladies she works with) Have you ever seen anything like this?
Lady 1: What isssss that?
Lady 2: How would you use it?
me: FML
They put it though the xray machine a few times, taking turns pulling it back out and squealing. Mothers in line were covering their children's eyes, everyone staring at me. I tied my shoe.
The TSA agent comes back, holding it at shoulder height, away from her body with two fingers - I was allowed to put it back in my bag. If it wasn't stainless steel and able to be boiled, I think I would've thrown it out.
However, this won't stop me from bringing it again. I'd rather become a pro at embarrassment.
The TSA woman asks,"what's this?" while gesturing the curve shape of the toy with her hand.
me: a dildo ma'am
her: a what?
me: a DILdoooh ma'am
her: ???
me: a sex toy!
her: step this way ma'am
Man standing next to me makes an awkward look of disgust and shakes his head.
She proceeds to pull me aside and with gloved hands begins to dig through my bag. It was at the bottom and she took her time. When she got to it, she pulled it out and asked, "this???"
me: yes ma'am, that's it
her: (to the other ladies she works with) Have you ever seen anything like this?
Lady 1: What isssss that?
Lady 2: How would you use it?
me: FML
They put it though the xray machine a few times, taking turns pulling it back out and squealing. Mothers in line were covering their children's eyes, everyone staring at me. I tied my shoe.
The TSA agent comes back, holding it at shoulder height, away from her body with two fingers - I was allowed to put it back in my bag. If it wasn't stainless steel and able to be boiled, I think I would've thrown it out.
However, this won't stop me from bringing it again. I'd rather become a pro at embarrassment.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
you know you're a hussy when
You're talking to a friend about a past lover, and come to the realization that one of their past lovers and one of your past lovers, have also been lovers.
A poor young lady was dating the professor and fell for him.
Meanwhile, I'm seeing the professor in a different capacity.
She really started to like him at a Cubs game.
I turned down attending that same Cubs game first.
She didn't want to have sex with him because when she does have sex with men, they typically don't call her again. The professor was no different and their time together was over after the third date.
I found out from my friend that as it turns out, this poor young lady happens to have a hairy ass. Like, really hairy.
We all know why the men don't call back. The question is, why hasn't she figured that out?
A poor young lady was dating the professor and fell for him.
Meanwhile, I'm seeing the professor in a different capacity.
She really started to like him at a Cubs game.
I turned down attending that same Cubs game first.
She didn't want to have sex with him because when she does have sex with men, they typically don't call her again. The professor was no different and their time together was over after the third date.
I found out from my friend that as it turns out, this poor young lady happens to have a hairy ass. Like, really hairy.
We all know why the men don't call back. The question is, why hasn't she figured that out?
Monday, July 12, 2010
Rear Window
I'm beginning to suspect that my neighbors think I'm a total slut.
They always seem to be "gardening" or "barbecuing" when I have my guy friends over to hang out.
For all they know, these "guy friends" could be gayer than a handbag full of rainbows.
Am I schtupping these guys?
....Of coarse....don't be silly.
Do I care what the neighbors think of me?
....not really, but it would be nice if they could go in their houses for a change. There's only so much gardening and barbecuing a person can do in a week.....and I'm pretty sure that they're putting in overtime just to see who I'll bring home next.
Thank God for curtains!
They always seem to be "gardening" or "barbecuing" when I have my guy friends over to hang out.
For all they know, these "guy friends" could be gayer than a handbag full of rainbows.
Am I schtupping these guys?
....Of coarse....don't be silly.
Do I care what the neighbors think of me?
....not really, but it would be nice if they could go in their houses for a change. There's only so much gardening and barbecuing a person can do in a week.....and I'm pretty sure that they're putting in overtime just to see who I'll bring home next.
Thank God for curtains!
Saturday, June 26, 2010
He's Just Not That Into You
Even after weeks of trying to make something truly special last, I find myself in the same vicious cycle. I don't ask for much. A call. A text. An email once in a blue moon. But in the end, I find that I put far more effort into things than the "truly special" party ever does.
Am I needy? Kinda.
I require attention. Although I've been claiming that it's my fatal flaw, I'm now thinking otherwise. If you like me, you would be calling me, texting me, and emailing me. Why waste someone's time, right?
I'm just saying, girls get hung up on the "he's not calling me", "he's not responding to my texts"......well guess what?....it's probably because he could care less.
Move on sweetheart.
Someone who truly "gets" you is out there. Someone who wants to be with you every hour of the day, loves your silly moments, anxiously awaits your calls, and can't help to laugh at your terrible jokes is out there. Searching for that person is a lost cause. Your paths will cross when it's the right time.
...but until then....life goes on.
(And Yes....that was entirely a pep-talk for myself...but I figured others could relate and needed to hear it.)
Am I needy? Kinda.
I require attention. Although I've been claiming that it's my fatal flaw, I'm now thinking otherwise. If you like me, you would be calling me, texting me, and emailing me. Why waste someone's time, right?
I'm just saying, girls get hung up on the "he's not calling me", "he's not responding to my texts"......well guess what?....it's probably because he could care less.
Move on sweetheart.
Someone who truly "gets" you is out there. Someone who wants to be with you every hour of the day, loves your silly moments, anxiously awaits your calls, and can't help to laugh at your terrible jokes is out there. Searching for that person is a lost cause. Your paths will cross when it's the right time.
...but until then....life goes on.
(And Yes....that was entirely a pep-talk for myself...but I figured others could relate and needed to hear it.)
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
What What.....in the butt.....
I’ve got a best “dude” friend. We’ve never smooched. We’ve never been secretly in love with each other. We’ve just been good friends. Not exciting, right? Our major bond is tied to the fact that we’re both single and have outrageous dating stories. Horrible dating stories! On occasion I feel that our dialogue is sitcom worthy.
Dude (friend): You should date Bob.
Me: He's okay. I think he might be an alcoholic though.
Dude: I think he likes you.
Me: So make it happen.
Dude: Well...he did have too much to drink the other day and asked me if I wanted to come over to his place.
Me: .....to drink?
Dude: No! That was the thing! We got all the way over to his house and he goes 'Oh I don't have any alcohol'. So what the hell were we going to his house for?!
Me: He wanted to put it in your butt.
Dude: What?!
Me: Totally wanted to put it in your butt.
Dude: I mean....I guess he has some gay tendencies from time to time.
Me: Right up the butt.
Dude: He told me to sleep on his couch.
Me: I'm surprised he didn't tell you to get in his bed.
Dude: Stop it!
Me: Well...it looks like I'm never gonna allow you to fix me up with any of your friends from now on.
Dude: What? Why?
Me: Well if you don't have the gaydar to weed out the flames, then I'm just gonna end up in the same situation that I'm always in! You know the gays love me!
Dude: I guess you're right.
Me: I am. I'm always right. I'm Italian.
Dude: I hate you.
Me: I love you.
Dude: I love you too.
Me: I know.
Dude (friend): You should date Bob.
Me: He's okay. I think he might be an alcoholic though.
Dude: I think he likes you.
Me: So make it happen.
Dude: Well...he did have too much to drink the other day and asked me if I wanted to come over to his place.
Me: .....to drink?
Dude: No! That was the thing! We got all the way over to his house and he goes 'Oh I don't have any alcohol'. So what the hell were we going to his house for?!
Me: He wanted to put it in your butt.
Dude: What?!
Me: Totally wanted to put it in your butt.
Dude: I mean....I guess he has some gay tendencies from time to time.
Me: Right up the butt.
Dude: He told me to sleep on his couch.
Me: I'm surprised he didn't tell you to get in his bed.
Dude: Stop it!
Me: Well...it looks like I'm never gonna allow you to fix me up with any of your friends from now on.
Dude: What? Why?
Me: Well if you don't have the gaydar to weed out the flames, then I'm just gonna end up in the same situation that I'm always in! You know the gays love me!
Dude: I guess you're right.
Me: I am. I'm always right. I'm Italian.
Dude: I hate you.
Me: I love you.
Dude: I love you too.
Me: I know.
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