High School

Back story:

I knew a guy in high school. Let's call him Bob. He and I were both sarcastic to the point of no return. We acted like we hated everything about one another. Of coarse we all know that, in high school, that's code for "I'm totally in love with you".
Anywho... Junior year, I asked him to the turnabout dance. He accepts. We act like fools all night long. I might have accidentally gotten our entire party lost in the city of Chicago while attempting to go out to eat at some overpriced restaurant that night. Everyone seemed eager to bitch about it. I, on the other hand, found it to be quite a fun adventure.
At the end of the night we all head back to my house for a slumber party. Girls only. But before that occurred, Bob and I had a moment to ourselves, to chat about the night.
He was a funny guy, but there was nothing funny about him telling me that he basically had an awful time. Which is what happened. Now, granted...he was sarcastic...but I wouldn't think that sarcasm would be appropriate for that moment. He then proceeded to go in for a kiss. I turned away. I'm certain that I pissed him off. I didn't care. He pissed me off.

Fast forward 10 years:

I didn't go to my high school reunion. I didn't give a shit. I hang out with the people that I want to hang out with from high school. I'm Facebook friends with the rest. One of those Facebook friends includes Bob. We had been friends on the site for as long as it's existed. The sassy past was water under the bridge and we didn't talk much. He had some swanky job and bought himself a house out in the middle of nowhere. If it weren't for the distance, I would have considered hanging out with him again. But no.
All the meanwhile, I'm on a shitty dating site and I stumble across.....(you guessed it)....Bob's profile. He immediately sends me a message, calling me a stalker. I can see that times haven't changed much. We proceed to be jerks in love with one another. So we chat about hanging out. I tell him to come to the city. He tells me to come to the middle of nowhere. I win and he winds up in the city.
We hung out for about 4 hours. Just chatting about high school and laughing our asses off about how ridiculous we were....and still are. It was swell to see him. There was nothing lovey dovey. So I immediately had the thought, "It's cool. We are friends. He doesn't like me like that anymore. I've become a mini water buffalo. I get it. No worries. No concerns. Moving on."
The end of the night went as expected. I asked if he comes to the city often. He said no. Cool. He then says, "See ya in another 10 years." (hysterical)


One week later:

I...might...have...

Well...ya see....

I get a text at 7pm from Bob...

...and although he said he was not EVER in the city, he happened to be...again...

...so he asks if I want to hang out....

(Duh)

So he comes over.... and we have a really fun/ hilarious time (per usual)....

...and then he brings up the turnabout dance that ended awkwardly....

...and then he basically hints at wanting to try that over again....

...and then I tell him that I think he's funny.

...and then he tells me, "I'm going to lick your face." (I. SHIT. YOU. NOT.)

Then he does so.

Which then leads to a very awesome makeout session.

During which, he says, "Be honest. How long have you been waiting for this?"

To which I reply, "I fucking hate you, Bob."

So he laughs out loud and I interrupt to say....."I'm sorry. I meant to say.....about three hours."

He said, "Shut up. You mean 10 years."

Hahahahaaaaa

So then I proceed to be funny and I asked him when he's moving in with me.

He says, "I can hear the truth in your sarcasm."
(silence)
"I can't move here. I have to be closer to work. You need to move in with me out in the burbs. The dogs will love the yard."

GAH! No! THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!!!! No no no no no


..........and NOW I'm sitting at work thinking about how awful it would be to have a relationship with someone who lives in the super far fuckin' suburbs .....and how terrible the Metra ride would be.......

.....and how I might be completely willing to consider it because I have loved/hated Bob since high school and want to have his Polish/ Italian/ Mexican babies!

Just murder me.

Merry Fucking Christmas

External Monologue

I assume none of you are still reading this blog. So I'm completely aware that my ramblings are simply for my own amusement, at this point.

Anyway...
I think I use to be a bit more lovey dovey about meeting new potentials. I'm not sure when I completely gave up but I feel like I'm viewing every new love interest as a future failure. That sounds terrible, right?! I don't really give a shit. It takes a lot to impress me nowadays.

It has come to the point where I found myself telling my roommate, "He seems nice but it's date #2 he is already boring me. He has been talking a big game in regards to sex, so I think I might just hit it and quit it."

You know it's bad when it's an hour after dinner and I'm making excuses of "not feeling well" in order to just leave his apartment due to lack of excitement. I mean, come on! Why am I still fully clothed???

Aren't boys suppose to understand that "hang out" means "make out".....and that "hang out" on date #3 means "wild sex"?!?! Duh.

So I just did what any sex-crazed floozy would have done. I told him that I was ready to leave. He promptly pushed me onto his bed and got me naked. (Goddamn! I'm gonna use that line more often.)

In other news: I seem to have acquired a new boy who seems hell bent on sexting me dick pics, like it's his job. (Awesome!)

Hot & Heavy

The man and I were (once again) rolling around naked yesterday. He had been working and then hanging out with his dude friends prior to coming over for the night. Usually he strolls in and quickly inquires if I'm hungry. This is largely due to the fact that he's an eating machine. Last night was different. We started recapping our days out loud and while I was talking about random shit that happened to me, he was talking about random shit he had eaten.
So he tells me that he had a roast beef sandwich for dinner. Who cares, right?
Moving on....

So chatting quickly turns into heavy petting.

It was at this point that I began to feel a burning sensation in my nether regions.

I grabbed his hand from my crotch and holding back a moan of pain, I asked him if he had opted for jalapeno peppers on his roast beef sandwich that he had eaten for dinner.

He said, "Yes"

I asked, "Did you wash your hands afterward?"

Before he could even say anything I shouted, "I'll answer that! NO! You didn't...and now my VAJAYJAY IS ON FIRRREEEEEEEEE!!!!!!"

I ran to the bathroom and quickly hopped in the shower. I came back to bed and proceeded to sit spread eagle for about 20 minutes after that.

So this is love....(la da da daaa)

I’ve been out of the blogging loop. Sue me.

I met a dude I really like. He really likes me too. (Cue: Applause)
This man is pretty much the most socially awkward dude I’ve ever met. You know it’s bad when you find yourself comparing his behavior to that of Napoleon Dynamite. But all the same, he’s my socially awkward man.

He’s really quiet…..almost mute. I question what he’s thinking most of the time. We’re polar opposites. I feel like I’ve always been searching for someone as loud and as outrageous as myself, and always seemed to find myself terribly heartbroken and disappointed in the end. So, needless to say, I’m quite surprised that this little love affair has been going on for over 4 months already.

I was even more surprised when this dude uttered the phrase, “I love you” the other day.

I admit, the last time I said that to someone it ended up pretty disastrous, so I hesitated and stayed silent. My first thought was, “Oh shit…..just kiss him….maybe he won’t notice that you didn’t respond”.
Then he said it again…..and again.

SHIT!

I had to just come right out and say it, “I feel the same way but I’m not ready to say it back yet.”

I thought I had certainly just broken this guy’s heart, but he looked me in the eyes and said, “I don’t need you to say it back right now. I don’t want to pressure you into saying anything. When you feel it…..if you ever feel it…. just say it. But you should know that I don’t say things like this….but I do….I love you. ”

Note: If we weren’t already naked, this would be the point where clothes would fly.

You guys…..seriously…..I think I’m in love with Napoleon Dynamite.

tales of a shit bag

GUEST POST

Some days you’re just so thirsty for some pussy, that you’d do or say anything just to get your tip in. Or maybe that’s just me?
(My tendency is to want what I can’t have.)

So when a girl I’m dating dry humps me 'til the veins on my cock are about to burst, refusing to fuck me until I take an STD test, I’ll lie.

I’ll tell her how I set up a doctor’s appointment. A few days later I'll text to say that I made it to said appointment and a few more after that, another text apprising of the green light for some good old fashion fucking.

When she asks to see the results, I’ll let her know “I’ll bring them buy tomorrow, framed and matted”. Then instead, I’ll ignore her calls/texts and never speak to her again.

Or maybe a girl really wants to fuck but I refuse to use lifestyles condoms because I rip straight through them; I’ll lie and inform her that I had a vasectomy. Luckily, I have this wicked scar that trails from my taint to my balls, crediting my deception.

But come on, you should see these girls (!) with their gloriously monstrous asses and tits the size of my head, spewing suggestions of things they would do to me.
Purring lines you’d only hear in Hustler editorials.

They had it ‘cumming’.
(Did you see what I did there?)

I'm a scumbag.

get out that tiny violin for me and start playing now

So I'm on a date the other night and we're drinking bourbon in hot mulled cider -- it held my regard, my date however did not.

He talked a lot which helped because he didn't notice that I wasn't paying attention.
The bartenders laughed, I rolled my eyes, they engaged me with videos on their phones. I got drunk enough that I thought I was entertained.
We went for dinner after that. I paid.

After I'd dropped enough money and was ready to go home he kissed me, shoving his mustache hairs in my nose. It was early and I was bored so I decided I'd take him home to see how big his penis was.

I couldn't find it.
Sigh.
Never again.