Merry Fucking Christmas

External Monologue

I assume none of you are still reading this blog. So I'm completely aware that my ramblings are simply for my own amusement, at this point.

Anyway...
I think I use to be a bit more lovey dovey about meeting new potentials. I'm not sure when I completely gave up but I feel like I'm viewing every new love interest as a future failure. That sounds terrible, right?! I don't really give a shit. It takes a lot to impress me nowadays.

It has come to the point where I found myself telling my roommate, "He seems nice but it's date #2 he is already boring me. He has been talking a big game in regards to sex, so I think I might just hit it and quit it."

You know it's bad when it's an hour after dinner and I'm making excuses of "not feeling well" in order to just leave his apartment due to lack of excitement. I mean, come on! Why am I still fully clothed???

Aren't boys suppose to understand that "hang out" means "make out".....and that "hang out" on date #3 means "wild sex"?!?! Duh.

So I just did what any sex-crazed floozy would have done. I told him that I was ready to leave. He promptly pushed me onto his bed and got me naked. (Goddamn! I'm gonna use that line more often.)

In other news: I seem to have acquired a new boy who seems hell bent on sexting me dick pics, like it's his job. (Awesome!)

Hot & Heavy

The man and I were (once again) rolling around naked yesterday. He had been working and then hanging out with his dude friends prior to coming over for the night. Usually he strolls in and quickly inquires if I'm hungry. This is largely due to the fact that he's an eating machine. Last night was different. We started recapping our days out loud and while I was talking about random shit that happened to me, he was talking about random shit he had eaten.
So he tells me that he had a roast beef sandwich for dinner. Who cares, right?
Moving on....

So chatting quickly turns into heavy petting.

It was at this point that I began to feel a burning sensation in my nether regions.

I grabbed his hand from my crotch and holding back a moan of pain, I asked him if he had opted for jalapeno peppers on his roast beef sandwich that he had eaten for dinner.

He said, "Yes"

I asked, "Did you wash your hands afterward?"

Before he could even say anything I shouted, "I'll answer that! NO! You didn't...and now my VAJAYJAY IS ON FIRRREEEEEEEEE!!!!!!"

I ran to the bathroom and quickly hopped in the shower. I came back to bed and proceeded to sit spread eagle for about 20 minutes after that.